@BlondAmbitionTO

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

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@Fred_Delicious

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

@Skoog

god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity

@ThatB_OverThere

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

@Crazy_ButCute2

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

@JoParkerBear

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

@beckyiniowa

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

@Matt_The_1st

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

@anerdonfire2

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

@ninjadinosaur1

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

@ElayneBoosler

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.