“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
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A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
#titanic
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Worst bar ever.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
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noneigator
stoprilla
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tellthetruthon
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