“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

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[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”


god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity


Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car


I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”


Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.


My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.


Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house


Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.


I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.


My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.