weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
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If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
how to market bottled water to dads
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.