[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
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My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.