Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
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Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
[adds another nod to the conversation]