Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
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me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
PER MY LAST EMAIL
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money