Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
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Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
School be like
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert