Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
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It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*