Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
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Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.