Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
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me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Cake safety first. Always.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.