Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
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My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.