Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
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Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.