welcome back
You Might Also Like
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.