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[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.