“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
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me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
This meal prepping shit is easy
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.