Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
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Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
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I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…