Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
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snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.