Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
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“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
an airline just for babies.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.