Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
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“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I鈥檓 on day 3 of a diet.
ME (teaching driver鈥檚 ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald鈥檚, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I鈥檝e got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
she is beauty, she is grace
she鈥檚 got a hotdog for the space
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
They say don鈥檛 eat when you鈥檙e bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I鈥檓 good.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 馃え
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a St强r氓s Innj酶rd毛n he opens a F艖nst菨rvivi堑
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose