Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
You Might Also Like
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Meanwhile in Canada…
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon