Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
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My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.