Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

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Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*


I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.


I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.


My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.


wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands


I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much


told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.


[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?


dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything