Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
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I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.