@jwoodham

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

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@radtoria

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

@Donna_McCoy

I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.

@empressofsong

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

@AngelaEhh

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

@fightforfood

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

@cULTMOTHER

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

@UNDEADTRESOR

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

@Catherinee_Jeff

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything