Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
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Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t