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Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
you will never know the true number of layers
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
as is their right
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.