Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
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Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Meow
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.