Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.

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GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?


I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.


If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.


“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”


9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?


“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.


A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.


*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?


Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again