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“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
do u think theres a butter planet?
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]