“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
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[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can鈥檛 you see I鈥檓 sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we鈥檙e most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he鈥檚 telling me
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: 鈥ever mind.
I don鈥檛 know what she鈥檚 up to, but I don鈥檛 like it.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I鈥檒l be sure to take your advice.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
latin students necrophiliacs
馃
enjoying a dead tongue
director: it鈥檚 a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let鈥檚 add murder
I think Schr枚dinger would鈥檝e really liked the microwave.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don鈥檛 meet these criteria
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.