Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
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my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.