Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
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Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”