Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

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A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered


Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?


wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep


[kidnapper hands wife phone]
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED


The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.


WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?


[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”


Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?

Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.


Me: *winks*

Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*


How to get ready for things :

1. Procrastinate for 5 hours

2. Panic 10 min before leaving