Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
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I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
BETRAYAL
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.