@TheIronSherk

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

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@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

@MNateShyamalan

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

@PinkCamoTO

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

@Kyle1092

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”

@abhorrent_wife

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

@samalmightysam

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.

@GingerGander

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

@notorious_stars

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

@MariyaAlexander

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

@UnFitz

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.