@Reverend_Scott [job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
@TheIronSherk Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
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@Reverend_Scott 
@MNateShyamalan wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
@PinkCamoTO I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
@Kyle1092 So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
@abhorrent_wife Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
@samalmightysam Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
@GingerGander A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
@notorious_stars Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
@MariyaAlexander Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
@UnFitz Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.