Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

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My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.


He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…

*puts on sunglasses*

In the dust.


I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match


If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home


A couple who are silly together stay together.


Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!

Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.

Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!

Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…


I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.


Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.


A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?


DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.