Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
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*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Here’s a meme
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?