My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
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He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.