WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
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Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Ain’t no way
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
that’s really how it is
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great