Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

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4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!

Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.

4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.


Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun


I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.


If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are


My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?


My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.


12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.


My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents