Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
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tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what