Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
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When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
it be like that
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.