Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
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Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.