“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
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Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”