Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
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You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!