“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
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I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
.. do you even science?
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Swedish for common sense.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.