Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
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The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.