Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
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Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together