Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
You Might Also Like
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.