Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
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I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.