Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
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Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???