Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!

HERO: Ok

SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

This is funnier than it should be. 😂