Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
You Might Also Like
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious