Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!

And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

i smell a pulitzer

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

Meow

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.