Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
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The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Always…
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
What’s so funny?
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
What do you hear?
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…