Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
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No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
All generalizations are stupid.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.