Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
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Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Body by cheese-puffs.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?