welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
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Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink