@slimmy_shady

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

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@Jake_Vig

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

@Reverend_Scott

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

@JohnLyonTweets

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

@VaChina1

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

@JoeRegular4

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

@leechee420

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

@CYComedy

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

@jwoodham

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.