Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
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Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.