Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

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BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.


[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.


Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.


Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.


Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”


Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.


Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.


DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.