Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
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[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body