Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

Not now. I’m deglazing.

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now