@HenpeckedHal

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

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@Shen_the_Bird

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

@JoroPotential

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

@JustBeingEmma

My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”

@LeonEarlgrey

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

@Cryptoterra

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

@InternalJane

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

@ItsMattsLaw

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

@roxiqt

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

@Dan_Haak

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*