Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
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[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
looks legit
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle