her: the moon is so romantic tonight
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
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The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.
*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
can’t talk my ride’s here