Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
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[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
fired
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”